I was watching my son play golf when it dawned on me; golf is like life. I also realized that I often treat it more like bowling.
As I watched, I found myself studying the golfers every move. Suddenly, I began to recognize important life skills being revealed.
As they stand on the T box, the first thing they all do is locate the flag, their ultimate goal. The next step seems to be clarifying that goal. They use various ways to determine how far away it is, if it is straight ahead, to the left or right, what’s between here and there. All of this information ultimately helps them decide how best to start. Sometimes, it’s simply how far can I hit which club the most accurately? If the answer was 200 yards but there was a water hazard about 200 yards between the golfer and the flag, then an alternate route would need to be determined. If the choice became hitting to the left for the best alternate lie, then the appropriate club for that shot was chosen. At that point, the golfer has a new intermediate goal; their ultimate goal has not been abandoned, but it has been broken down into smaller more achievable steps. Those smaller steps, or shots, are carefully considered, calculated and executed, independent of the ultimate goal. Regardless of how close or far from the desired location the golf ball lands, the golfer goes to where it actually is, which is not always where they wish it was, and begins the process again. The ultimate goal of the hole by the flag is still there, but, again, getting there is broken up into smaller, more achievable steps or shots. This continues over and over again for each hole and each round. The golfer tries not to lose their temper or get upset if the ball doesn’t land where they wanted it to or thought it should have, but if they do, it doesn’t change the location of the ball. The location of the ball never gets closer to the desired goal until the golfer stops, considers where it actually landed, where they need it go, how best to get it there, what tools to use, etc…just like life. And just like life, if they can’t let go of their thoughts and emotions about the past shot, it tends to negatively affect their future shots until they do. It’s a conscious choice they have to make.
As I thought more about golf it occurred to me how much of a process or journey the game is, like life. At the end of a round I hear golfers talking about, not only the ultimate score, but specific holes or shots, the way we talk about milestones in life. I’m not a golfer, but I have to say I have certainly developed a whole new respect and admiration for the game.
Recently, I noticed I was in one of those “auto-pilot” modes; where you just sort of go through the motions and hope that the bulk of your To-Do list gets done before you go to bed in preparation to start all over again. As I was watching this golf match I realized, this is how I should be living my life, but instead I was treating it more like bowling. I’m not a regular bowler and I’m sure, like most sports, there’s a lot more to it when you know more about it. However, from my beginner’s perspective, in bowling you have a goal, you pick up the heaviest or most powerful tool you can handle, take aim and give it all you’ve got. You roll the ball down the alley as straight and hard as you can, aiming for that one pin that you hope will somehow have a domino effect and knock down all the other pins. If all 10 pins don’t fall down the first time, you try the same thing again. If that doesn’t work, wait a little until things reset themselves and then try the exact same thing all over again. The bowler and his/her goal continuously return to the same spot, the way I was beginning to feel when I woke up each morning. The golfers, on the other hand, continue to move forward to a brand new goal. I’m not saying bowling isn’t fun, my family loves a night of bowling, I’m just noticing that the game of golf may be a better metaphor for a how to live a fulfilling life.
What games would you compare your life to these days?
As I drove home, through a quaint older neighborhood with fully mature trees hovering their branches overhead, the fallen leaves all seemed to scurry across the road in front of me. They were jumping, skipping, and a few even doing a little flip of excitement now and then. Some left, some right, some straight ahead, but mostly in a big group all appearing to be heading the same general direction. It looked like the front of an elementary school at the end of a long day when all the children come running out of the building, yelling with enthusiasm just because they can. It made me smile, and it made me think…
Just days earlier I had expressed my sadness about seeing all the beautiful leaves beginning to fall from the same trees. But what if those leaves have been waiting for this moment since spring? Maybe they’ve been blowing in the wind restricted by the trees hold on them. Are they now free? Free to run on the ground, to play with the leaves from the trees across the street, to explore the neighborhood they have been staring at from above all summer? I don’t know, but how fun to watch them play and imagine their joy, as if they knew something I didn’t.
All these years I’ve assumed that it was sad when it was their time to fall and “die”. I’d never even entertained this other perspective. I wonder why? Was it just what I had been told? I grew up somehow just ‘knowing’ that it was sad when things died; but these leaves didn’t look the least bit sad. They looked as if they were just beginning a new chapter of their lives; it was just going to take on a different form. This wasn’t an “ending” as I had perceived it, this was a new beginning. It wasn’t death after all, it was just change.
I will never look at leaves in a tree or on the ground the same way again. Whether they are just budding, bright green, turning colors, about to be set free or nourishing the earth, I’ll be reminded, this is the cycle of life and each moment is meant to be enjoyed for what it is, not what we think it should be, or what someone told us it was.
Maybe all of life is merely what we perceive it to be at any given moment along the journey… which would imply that, if we are not happy about a situation, we can at least try to look at it from a different perspective. Isn’t it at least worth a try? What if it’s just your beliefs or thoughts about the situation vs. the situation itself?
“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change” –unknown
Enjoy the beautiful leaves!
I believe that our destiny is to be our best selves. To realize our innate strengths, gifts, passions and values and then use them to make a difference in the world, to help out or contribute in some way, big or small. I believe that our destiny is in us when we are born and that free will helps determine how the journey will go. One mistake so many of us make is to turn that free will over to others, often those with the best of intentions, but they can only make the best decisions for their selves, not yours. Many times, when we dutifully follow the “shoulds” of others, despite the feelings in our gut, or voice in our head, telling us otherwise, we live with the loss later, often in the form of regret and resentment.
For some reason we repeatedly listen to other people’s inner voices yet we tend to silence or discredit our own. Why would someone else’s inner voice know more about what’s right for you than your own? Who else has lived your entire life, experienced everything you have experienced and perceived it the very same way? Who else has heard all of your thoughts? Who else do you know that has always, and will always, be with you every night when you go to sleep and every morning when you wake up, for your entire life? And yet, that is who’s voice we tend to ignore or discredit. Why? There is no good reason, I think it’s just habit. Habits are comfortable, after all, we are neurologically wired for survival and our brains know “doing ‘this” has kept me alive this long so….continuing to do it is safe”, and safe is comfortable (but there is no growth in the comfort zone…)
When we were younger we needed to rely on the voices of others for survival. Somewhere along the way this was no longer necessary yet it’s what we’ve been conditioned to do. I’m not suggesting that seeking and/or receiving guidance is in any way shape or form bad, I’m a huge fan of learning from others experiences. I just believe that, once you’ve gathered whatever information you think you need, your own inner voice should be the ultimate decision maker for what’s right for you. Use the voices of others as guidance, not orders.
We spend years learning, or being conditioned in some way, to listen to others; our parents, teachers, mentors, authority figures, bosses etc… When are we taught how to be in touch with, listen to, or even hear, our own “voice”? Why does that concept even sound strange? Is it the idea that we need to be told or taught to hear our own inner voice? But we are told/taught to listen to others….
It seems logical to treat a 2 year old differently from a 12 or 42 year old. They are in different stages of life and, therefore, should live by different standards. So why, when it’s us, do we allow ourselves to be ruled by our same old standards? Why do we continue to listen to the “rules” that were put into our heads when we were children? We aren’t 12 anymore yet so many of us still do things because “that’s the way I was taught”, or brought up. Did you ever stop to think about how old you were when you learned a particular rule or standard that you have continued to live by? Is it possible it was applicable to your life then but really isn’t any more? Do you continue because you believe it’s right for you, or is it just a habit?
If it’s habit, is it a good one? Is it still beneficial or even applicable to the new realities of your life? If not, than how do you break it? For me, the first step was stopping long enough to question my thoughts and my actions; to just become aware of the fact that they really don’t make sense for me any more. Once I started doing that, the rest just sort of happened, and continues to happen… What about you? What “shoulds” do you still follow for no other reason than because you always have? Do they still work for you? Did they ever? Why do you continue? If you could do something different, what would you do? What’s stopping you? Who’s “job” is it to make up the rules for you these days? Who lives with the consequences? If you could rewrite the rules for your life today, knowing all that you know about your current self, what would they be? Think about that, that’s your first step…enjoy the journey, after all…it’s YOUR LIFE, what is YOUR inner voice telling you?
p.s. If you’ve decided to stick with the “status quo” for whatever reason(s), before throwing in the towel completely, ask yourself: “How will I feel 5 years from now if I don’t make any changes today?” What are you putting off or not doing? Imagine your dream life two years from now? Are you on your way there? If not, what’s one thing you can do to get closer? Maybe it’s just making a plan? Remember…small steps forward vs. big steps nowhere wins every time.
This “blue carrot” flower was always one of my mom’s favorites, and I never really understood why. I mean, it’s pretty, but… Every time I see one, I think of her. This summer, as I was walking, I spotted one and decided to stop take a picture of it. As I was thinking of my mom today, on the anniversary of her passing, I was compelled to look at that picture. It was as if she was here with me…I get it now. Although all of the little white flowers within the flower are equally beautiful, there is the one tiny blue/purple flower in the middle that dares to stand out and be different from all the rest, and that’s the one we see first. It doesn’t try to be like the others and “blend in”, and by being individual, displaying its own color proudly, it makes the entire flower more beautiful. My mom was like that.
As I sat looking at the picture, I recalled an “event” that occurred when I was in elementary school. I was in a play and the audience was filled with the parents and family members of my classmates. Moments before the show was ending, I noticed my mom running in one of the side doors. When she saw me notice her she seemed to stand taller, smile, and wave with excitement; as if she didn’t realize that she was still in her surgical scrubs, looking disheveled and arriving late…again.
After the show, as I was approaching my mom, I remember noticing another mom talking to her. This mom was tall, thin, looked picture perfect as always, and had been sitting in the front row when the curtains opened. I remember seeing her with her arm on my mom’s shoulder as if consoling her, it made me slow down and listen with trepidation. I heard her say something to the effect of, “oh poor Betty, you must feel so badly about arriving so late and missing the whole show. It must be so hard on you and your kids with you working so much and missing out…they’re growing so fast…etc…” I remember not knowing whether to jump on her band wagon or kick her in the shins. Before I could do either, my mom was already responding; again with one of her whole face smiles and twinkling eyes shining up from her petite 5’2” frame. She looked the other mom directly in the eyes, took her hand from her shoulder, held it in her own and said something that I remember as, “Yes, it is hard not being able to be everywhere for everyone all the time, but I continue to do the best I can every day and then try again tomorrow.” She went on to add something like, “I am so fortunate that my husband was able to video the program tonight so that we can all go home and watch it together, and the baby I was operating on, she is recovering with her parents now too, but thank you for your concern, I do appreciate it.” (She definitely had a little spice with her sugar.)
Without another breath my mom turned, saw me, and came in for the hug. Wow! I distinctly remember that feeling of not knowing what to think or say. Now, when I think back, I realize that my mom was the perfect example of someone who got her self-worth from within. She knew her purpose was to discover her own unique gifts and do her best to share them with as many as possible to the best of her ability every day, and that’s what she did. Of course she wished she could do more, but she didn’t get down on herself for not being able to, she simply used it as her motivation to get up and try again the next day.
As a teenager, I recall times when this same quality of my mom’s drove me nuts. I couldn’t stand that she seemed to not care how mad or upset I or anyone else was at her. How she would show up with cat hair all over her, in surgical scrubs, or smell of the horse barn, and not seem the least bit embarrassed. It wasn’t that she didn’t ever take the time to get dressed up and go out etc… it was just never about trying to impress anyone else (except maybe my dad from time to time). As I have gotten older and had the opportunity meet more individuals that seem to possess this same “something”, a quality that makes all shape and sizes so attractive that they seem to almost glow, it occurred to me that “it” is their self-confidence; the unshakeable appreciation of their own self-worth. The common denominator is their awareness, total acceptance and love of who they are and all that they can be/do.
My mom always told me that, for as long as she could remember, she knew she was going to be a surgeon, even though there were no women surgeons when she was growing up in the 1930’s. My mom never seemed to believe that anyone outside of her had the ability to know what she could or couldn’t do, only opinions that she could choose to take into consideration or not. She was the only one who lived in her body with her mind and her soul, she seemed to know that her job was to try her best at whatever she was doing and that, as long as she did, the rest was not in her control. I would ask her how she wasn’t afraid of this or that and she would respond, “It’s not that I’m not afraid, I just don’t let that stop me.” It was as if the fear made it exciting for her. I would ask how she could not be bothered by things other people said or did, and she would respond with something like, “Honey, you can’t let what others say and do dictate how you feel or act. You never know where they are coming from, what kind of day they are having, who they may be mad at, etc…” She helped me understand: that people do and say different things for a million different reasons and our job is simply to listen to what we feel, inside, and do what is right for us. And even though we can’t control others, and we have no idea what’s motivating their words or actions, we can control how we react, and that’s all we have to do. Such an amazing, and yet such a simple, concept.
My mom played hard, worked hard, loved hard, and had a smile that lit up a room. She was constantly squeezing all that she could out of life. I don’t remember ever hearing about anyone that ever met her that didn’t love her, or at least respect her. Days before her funeral I heard a story that still makes me smile and really sums up her essence. The gist of it was, when she was told that a patient was referred to her and told that she was “the best pediatric surgeon on the East coast”, her immediate response was, “I wonder who my competition is on the West Coast?” That’s pure confidence.
I miss my mom, but I feel as though I continue to learn from her every day. I like to think that a part of her lives on in me as I pursue my passion as a life coach. She is my role model as I strive to help others achieve a greater sense of self-worth and/or confidence; to realize their innate abilities to generate happiness by knowing who they are, doing their best to be their best, and not letting that fulfillment be dependent on or swayed by the opinions or judgement of others. Each time I am able to do this I feel as though I have fulfilled my purpose and honored my mom at the same time. Through me, she can continue to help others live a fuller life.
When did we become so consumed with doing so much, with being “productive”? What does it mean? What are we “producing” or accomplishing? If we realize it’s noon and we’ve made the beds, emptied and filled the dishwasher, washed-dried-folded and put away the laundry, and maybe even made a trip to the grocery store, have we been more productive than if we spent the morning having coffee and conversation with a friend? Or simply sleeping in and recovering from a wonderful night out? Is it more productive to complete a project at work than to take the day off, take your child out of school and spend the day at the zoo? I used to think so… but I don’t any more. I used to think that I couldn’t, or shouldn’t, “waste” my time doing “frivolous” things when there were “things to get done”. Then one day, after my mom passed away, I wished I hadn’t been so “busy” doing all the things that constantly require redoing, and had just dropped everything more often to just be with and talk to her. The fact is, all of those things would have waited for me, and even if the house was a little messier or my work load a little larger, it really wouldn’t have taken much more time to complete, and it would have no impact on my life in just a few days. I wish I had just let all the things that, in hindsight, really don’t matter, sit there, while I spent time with my mom. Instead, I let my mom sit there while I “took care of things”.
LESS time with things, MORE time connecting.
Sometimes I think being “productive” is just another, more acceptable, way of pushing aside our real feelings about our lives. As long as we keep our mind and bodies preoccupied, much the way some do with drugs or alcohol, we don’t feel (or at least can more easily ignore) that annoying gut wrenching sensation that we somehow wish things were a little different. But as long as we’re “productive” we have a great excuse why we just didn’t have the time to do anything about it…right? So how much of the stuff that you are so busy doing really matters to you? How much of it will matter five years from now? How long have you been wishing things were just a little different? How were you thinking those wishes were going to come true?
Think LESS, Feel MORE
Recently, I have decided to try to be a little less productive with the things that don’t get me any closer to my dreams/goals, or have no significant meaning to me, until I have done at least one thing, regardless of how small, that matters to me (which can simply mean… it makes me happy). Just something to remind me to appreciate the fact that I’m alive. Sometimes it’s taking the dog for a walk, spending five minutes looking at horses, exercise, or another attempt at a yoga pose. Other times it means writing, reading a book, volunteering, being a mom/wife/friend/sibling/daughter… or taking a course in something that interests me. Honestly, most of the time I still feel that “guilty, listing all the things I “should” be doing, who I am going to disappoint”, feeling inside when I first set out to do these things, the difference is, now… I do them anyway (most of the time). I remind myself how I will feel after and that, 90% of the time, I will still get all of those other things done too. Maybe I’ll have to get up a little earlier, stay up a little later, work harder or faster, but they’ll get done, and I’ll feel so much better that I spent part of my day actually living my life. The five minutes I spend doing something that adds value to my life has such a significantly greater impact on me, and ultimately those around me, than some of the entire days I spend being “productive” with things that just don’t matter. The point is, all those “productive” things will still be there when you finally get to them, but time…appreciating being alive, once it passes, is gone forever.
LESS stuff, MORE value.
Some people say that, because of their jobs or responsibilities, they “can’t”. Is that really true? If your life depended on it, would you be able to find the time? Well guess what…it does! Every day is another day of your life that you won’t get back, there are no redo’s in your current set of circumstances. If your work doesn’t provide you with a sense of purpose or fulfillment, than what are you doing to provide yourself with that? I totally understand that some people are lucky enough to have a job they love, it’s a passion vs. “work”; my mom was that way in her career. Others have jobs that provide them the means to pursue their passion.
But what if you don’t put yourself in either of those categories? What if you just get up and go through the motions each and every day on auto pilot? What is one small thing you can do to change that? Is it a special cup of coffee? A snuggle with your child? What are you waiting for? What are the excuses you’re telling yourself as to why you can’t? Are they really true? Or is it a case of “if I can’t do it BIG or PERFECT I might as well not do it at all”?
LESS perfect ideas, MORE real action.
How much time do you spend surfing social media? What if you told yourself that you were going to spend half of that time every day for a week doing one small thing that really mattered to you or just made you feel good? Just to see how it feels? What not try? Do you remember what those things are?
Don’t wait until you reach your goal; to lose 5 lbs., get in shape, have X dollars in the bank, get that promotion, etc.… Are any of those things really what you’re striving for? Or is it how you imagine you will feel when you have them? If it’s the latter, the secret is, you can choose to feel that way now! It’s true, you can start feeling and living that way now while continuing to work towards your goals. For many of us, as soon as we reach our goal we find a new one anyway, so why wait to feel great and love your life? What’s the point? How much longer are you willing to put your life and your happiness (and those around you) on hold? The world needs you NOW, today, goals will always be there; they may be your destination but what about the journey? That journey is your life, and you get to, no…actually…you have to, CHOOSE how you feel as you live it.
Wait LESS, Appreciate the current moment MORE.
If you disagree, I’m willing to bet that you have felt that way for a while, long enough for that way of thinking to have become a habit. There are numerous studies out there that prove that habits can be changed. “Old habits die hard”, but just because something isn’t easy doesn’t mean it isn’t possible or worthwhile. Some of the most rewarding things in life are the most challenging to achieve. What could be more rewarding than living a life you love, a life that matters to you? What could be worth more?
LESS “productive”, MORE true to your heart.
Try to imagine yourself in the future… all of these days that you are letting slip by, or just “getting through”, being “productive”… that’s your life, this is not a dress rehearsal, you can’t get that time back. What do you really want to have accomplished 3, 5 or 10 years from now? How do you want to feel along the way? Make a list of all the things you do on a daily basis, and then ask yourself if any of them are getting you at least a little closer to your dreams (saving money doesn’t count). Do they make you appreciate being alive? If not, how are those dreams or that happiness going to happen? What are you waiting for? You just have to start, don’t strive for perfect, just take the first step. One small imperfect step forward will get you so much further than 10 big perfectly planned steps never taken. If you take one small action each day, 5 minutes or 5 hours, I promise you will be getting closer to your dreams, and LIVING your life at the same time. 🙂
DO less, BE more!
As the rush of the holiday season begins to subside, I find myself thinking about the people I got to see, the ones I didn’t, those I spoke with, the gifts that were exchanged, and the memories made as a result of it all. It made me wonder why we cram it all into one small season, why not spread it out over the whole year? If I could give people a gift simply to let them know that they are important to me, that I appreciate having them in my life, that I value them as a friend/family member and a person, and that they are worth more to me than something money could buy, what would I give them? What would mean the most to me from any of these people? It was obvious; the only gift I could possibly give them was the most precious thing I have, the one thing I can never get back, exchange or replace…my time; my undivided attention. I could let my presence be my gift.
Now that may sound boastful or conceited to some, but I don’t mean it that way. My intention is to make another person(s) realize how significant they are to me. To let them know, for at least that period of time, that there is nothing more important. No cell phones, TVs, computers or other electronics; no laundry, work responsibilities, kids to chase, dishwasher to unload etc., just two (or more) people…talking, listening, and/or being, for the sole purpose of connecting, emotionally and/or spiritually, without distractions. Whether it’s on the phone or in person, in a coffee shop, movie theater or at the kitchen counter; for an hour, a day or 15 minutes, the quality of that time is what matters. Experiencing the time as it passes, instead of trying to “capture” it with a selfie.
It may seem strange to think of time as a gift, but what is more valuable? I remember when I was younger and a friend would call to talk. Out of necessity, I would stop everything I was doing and go to the room in the house where the phone was attached to the wall and be completely present. It’s true, I didn’t have a choice at the time, but I also didn’t know any different. If a friend came over we would actually spend our time communicating with each other. There was nothing to watch on TV, no video games to play, no cell phones or computers to stare at, and a fraction of the magazines to compare ourselves to or talk about…we had no choice but to interact. Today, I often find that when I’m on the phone with a friend, I’m also driving, picking up or dropping off children, running errands or, if I’m home, I’m working at my computer, folding laundry, cleaning rooms, etc… and, most of the time, the person on the other end is doing the same sort of things. If I stop and think about it, each of these things deserves my full attention (maybe not the laundry…) and yet it seems natural to do them all at once. What have we sacrificed in exchange for all of our modern “conveniences” or “technological advancements”? Is it worth it? I may be getting a lot more done in a shorter period of time but what am I getting out of any of those things? How are they contributing to my life and/or helping me grow as a person? How much quality am I loosing for the quantity I gain?
Because of “how far we have come”, million dollar industries that make their money making us feel insufficient or not enough, now have the ability to influence us 24/7 and, as a result, have become billion dollar industries. At the same time, in the age of communication, we have stopped communicating WITH each other and simply communicate TO each other. Instead of real people getting together (on the phone or in person) and being present with each other, we post glorified pictures on Facebook, watch reality TV shows that either make us feel bad about ourselves or make us feel better by making someone else look worse, compare ourselves to magazine photos, tweet this, pin that, etc. When did it all become such a contest? What happened to “we’re all in this together”? Aren’t we? What is the difference between “us” and “them”? When did we trade in connection for competition? And was it worth it? Who wins when one of us loses? I grew up hearing that “we are only as strong as our weakest link”…so why aren’t we trying to strengthen each other?
I believe, and there are several studies that agree, that we, as humans, have a strong innate need for connection, just as we do for food, water, etc…. Meaning, we are programed to desire it because we require it. It has actually been shown how this need is imperative, not only for survival but, for communities to thrive. Currently, I believe that we, as a society, are approaching epidemic levels of a deficit of the very connection that has been proven necessary for humans to thrive. Small doses of undivided personal attention from you to your friends/family could be just the antidote we need. I remember when I was younger, my mom worked a lot. She was a wonderful pediatric surgeon and saved many lives. However, she was away from home a lot. Because she was always thinking about me and my siblings, she was constantly picking up little trinkets here and there that she thought would make us happy. I remember, as a child, wishing that I could trade in all the trinkets, and the time it took her to gather them, for one hour of her time all to myself. Children are very sensitive to the primal need for deep, meaningful connection. We become numb, or use to, not having it after a while, but the cumulative negative effects on society continue to grow. It may not be obvious as it gradually occurs, but what about when you look back over time? Can you say that society has improved over the years since the internet was born? I suppose that depends on your perspective, but I’m only talking about it in a sense of people’s hope, faith, and good feelings about life in general; their happiness and feelings of self-worth vs. productivity levels.
What if your time in someone’s life could make just the difference that they needed? What if they then passed that on to someone else? Etc., etc.… Is there a down side? Worst case scenario, you make a memory. So what if this year, you consider giving someone(s) a handmade gift certificate good for one afternoon, a cup of coffee, a half hour phone call, a walk, etc…at some date within the coming year; during which you completely unplug and give the recipient your undivided attention. In your own words, let them know that they are worthy of the one thing you have that you can never get back, your time. Give them the gift that lasts forever, a quality memory. Time is the most precious thing any of us have, without it, we have nothing. Giving someone your time tells them that you value them; they are significant in your life, they matter. Maybe even consider thinking of a topic to discuss, some questions you’d love to hear their answers to, opinions on or perspective of. Maybe you just want to go for a walk and be in their company; tell them things you’d want them to know if you never saw them again (it’s never too soon). Make it a small group thing, a family thing… Just do it, schedule it, put it in your calendar and make it a priority in your life. I promise you will add more to your life with that time than you will lose by missing an exercise class, etc…
In these busy, fast-paced, auto-pilot, hectic, electronic, multitasking times, let your loved ones know what they mean to you by giving them your time and attention. Let your presence be a present. It will be appreciated; if not immediately, in time. Imagine how you would feel if someone special gave that to you…and then treat people the way you want to be treated 😉
Wishing you peace, health, love and deeper/meaningful connection in the New Year and beyond!
Ever feel like your “faking it” in life? Like you’re playing a role, as opposed to just being yourself? Making a conscious effort to “perform”, “behave” or even look a certain way, that maybe doesn’t come naturally to you but you believe it’s “correct” or the “right thing” to do? Do you believe it’s what you “should” be doing, or how you are “supposed” to act? Do you waste time and energy fretting about when others will catch on, or if they already have? Do you sometimes feel like an imposture in your own life?
Chances are, if you’re feeling even remotely similar to this, you’re not following your passion. You probably got sucked into the “you should”, or “you’d be great at”, or “have you ever considered” cycle and, somewhere along the line, lost track of whose ideas/dreams you were following, or who really knew what was in YOUR best interest. I’m not suggesting that people giving you suggestions/advice did not intend for it to be in your best interest, but many people base what they think is in someones’ best interest on what they believe would be best for themselves. Only you can know what’s best for you…by how it makes you feel.
So how do you feel now? What has all of your life experiences up until this point taught you? Do you feel like you love what you are doing? Do you at least love what it allows you to do? Are you thriving in life? Do you feel energized by your work or your play? If not, where are you stuck?
Are you following your passion/purpose? Do you remember what it is? What is that “thing” that you’ve always loved to do; the subject matter you can never read or learn enough about, or the thing that always makes you smile when you think about it? That’s it, that’s your passion, and it’s been in you since you were born. It’s the gift you were given to share with the world and, I believe, when you do, you will begin to feel a deep sense of fulfillment and purpose in your life (even while doing the laundry 😉 ).
Do you ever wonder what you would do with all that time and energy you spend “acting” like this person you’ve become if the choice was yours? Well, it is…so what will you do with it? Who do you want to BE? What is one small step you can take today to get you closer to the life you were born to live? What support do you need? How can you get it?
Don’t stay stuck in a mistake just because you spent so much time and effort getting there. You still have the rest of your life to live, why not start today by putting who you ARE back into everything you DO.
It’s your one trip on this merry go round, go ahead and give yourself permission to enjoy the ride. You deserve it, we all do.
What do the holidays mean to you? When you think about past holidays, which ones do you have the warmest memories of? What do you remember most about them? How do you feel when you reminisce? Do you remember what you ate? How clean or messy the house you were in was? Whether or not all of the dishes matched or if the table cloth fit perfectly? Or do you remember the people you were with, the stories that were shared and how you didn’t want the day to end? This holiday season, try not to let too much time slip away worrying about the superficial things that really don’t matter, that no one remembers, and focus on the memories you are making. Who are you trying to make everything perfect for anyway? Is it really for your guests? Or could it be for yourself?
Recently I realized that, even though I truly believed I was going out of my way to make everything “perfect” for others, it was really for others’ approval of me. In reality, I was just adding to the “we are here to impress each other” tone of the holiday and, in doing so, taking away from the true spirit of our time together, not to mention making it much less enjoyable for myself (and possibly everyone else: most people actually appreciate REAL so much more than PERFECT, don’t you?). It occurred to me that the people in my home for the holidays came to spend time with me, not to watch me clean and serve them. In fact, they would prefer the gift of my presence over a beautifully served dessert. When you are with friends and loved ones for the holiday, are you really there for the food and/or aesthetics of the place? Or do you go to spend quality time with the people? Personally, if it were simply the food and ambiance, I’d find a restaurant on a random day.
Last year I made a conscious decision, and continuously reminded myself throughout the day, that Thanksgiving was going to be about the family enjoying each other’s company and eating too much food. I was going to enjoy the things that mattered and not “stress” about the things that didn’t. Our dishes didn’t necessarily all match, my kids were in between snow pants and long underwear most of the day, the house was…very lived in, and there was an abundance of happy noise. Each time I began to feel stress attempting to sneak into my body (out of sheer habit) I would stop and ask myself; what am I stressed about? Does it really matter? Will anyone besides me even notice and, if they do, will they love me less, or will they maybe just feel better about themselves? And if that’s the case, isn’t that ok? Is there anything I have to do right now that is more important than being with my loved ones? Do I have to do it now or can it wait until later? What will I gain? What will I miss out on? I would ask myself; what do I want my friends and family to remember about this holiday? And then I would recall Maya Angelou’s famous quote:
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
As the holidays are approaching, my kids have already told me that they hope this Thanksgiving is just like last year. I asked them what they remembered most about it; their responses ranged from “it was just so fun”,“it was relaxing”, to “I liked that I didn’t have to smell good”. And even though none of them could remember what we ate, they remember it was perfect! (Almost our entire meal was premade and reheated in crock pots…believe me, their memories of the food was tainted by the fullness of their hearts that day).
How do you want people to feel this holiday season? How can you help make that happen? What memories do you want to make?
If you burn the turkey, is it really a disaster? It could be, but does it have to be? It really has nothing to do with the turkey and everything to do with how you choose to respond to the circumstances. If you can laugh at it, others will feel comfortable to laugh with you (not at you). Think about a time when you were with a group of loved ones and you were all laughing about the same thing; you just smiled thinking about it didn’t you? That’s one of those “gifts that keep on giving”, and you can give it simply by being YOU (as opposed to what you think the perfect version of you should be). Remember what’s important to you, especially now, when we seem to be bombarded with so much hate, violence and negativity from all around the world. What can you do to begin a change in your home? Start today, start with love and I guarantee you will have no regrets. Wishing you all heart filled memories this holiday and always.
Have you ever said to yourself or felt, I just need a “me”? A duplicate of yourself to be your teammate in life? To help you through each day? To talk to, to give you advice or support? When was the last time you stopped and realized that you have a “me”? It’s you.
How much time and energy have you spent today trying to figure out how to make others’ lives better? How much time and energy have you spent doing that for yourself? Who does it for you these days? How do you feel about them putting you before themselves? Do you enjoy giving? Who do you allow to give to you? What do you do on a regular basis to take care of the only “me” you have?
I believe we were each entrusted with one person to take care of first and foremost, and yet we continuously disregard that person to take care of others; why don’t we feel justified in putting that person, “me”, first? I’m talking about feeling good about your own self-worth, feeling that who you are and how you spend your time contributes in a meaningful way for you as an individual and your community, i.e. family, friends, town, etc…
If you had another “me”, how would you treat that person? How would you require others in your life to treat that person? Do you do that for yourself? If not, why? If you step outside yourself, don’t you think you deserve it? How are you telling others it’s ok to treat that person? Where do you put “me” on your list of priorities? Who is the one person in this world you literally couldn’t live without?
Maybe we simply do what we do out of habit. If we started putting ourselves first, not in a selfish or egotistical way, but the way we would a child, friend or loved one; if we made putting ourselves first a new habit, what sort of impact would we, our best selves, be capable of having on the world?
If individuals made striving to become their best self as natural as putting others needs before their own, what would that be like? If we could all be true to ourselves out loud, how would things be different? How can we teach our children to listen to their guts, be true to themselves, follow their passions, and always take care of themselves first…if we don’t show them how? Children watch what we do far more carefully than they listen to what we say.
I think that, over the years, society has made us feel badly about taking care of ourselves first. But who/what is “society”? Isn’t that just us? So if we created these negative connotations, can’t we change them? Instead of teaching people to wait for others to take care of them, why not teach them to take care of themselves? If each person were given one person to be responsible for, to take care of first and foremost…that could work! Imagine how we can change the world one person at a time… I truly believe, baby steps forward will always get you farther than big steps nowhere. After all, if you don’t start where you are (as opposed to where you think you “should be”) and take a step that you can achieve (instead of the one you think you “ought to” be able to take), how far will you get?
Do something for yourself today to begin or continue a habit of appreciating yourself the way you deserve to be appreciated. Try starting with the simple act of looking in the mirror, past all of the external features you may typically find fault with, now look into your eyes, deep inside, until you catch a glimpse of that unconditional friend staring back at you. That’s her, your best friend. Tell her how much you love and appreciate: how she has always been there with and for you, regardless of how badly you may have treated her; how she has never judged you, although you may have judged her; how she has always loved you no matter how much you said you hated her. She is your #1 fan and she is only here for you. Tell her you love her, thank her and let her know that from today on, she will be your priority. If that seems silly or hard to do, maybe just ask yourself why. Would it be difficult to say any of those things to a child? Friend? Loved one?
A good friend once told me this story: I have a pitcher of lemonade and I want to fill everyone’s glass. I want to be able to provide all who are thirsty with a drink. It gives me great pleasure to do this for others. However, sometimes I realize that my pitcher is empty, and then I can’t fill anyone’s glass. It makes me mad, sad and sometimes even resentful, when I can’t continue to serve. But, I have come to learn, I have to stop and take the time I need to fill my own pitcher if I want to be able to pour another glass for anyone else. So now I make it a regular habit to periodically stop to refill my pitcher, sometimes even before it is completely empty. The funny thing is, people wait patiently for my return; they have learned that when I first return after stopping to refill, the lemonade is even colder and fresher!